What You Deserve in a Friendship

In the past year alone, I've watched my circle of friends change around me. I made some new friendships, reconnected with some old ones and I lost a few. With all this happening, I've been able to reflect on my role in these friendships as well as what I want out of them. In all, I figured out what I deserve in a friend and what I think that everyone deserves.

You deserve a supporter.

Friends initially come into our lives for lots of reasons like having a lot in common, enjoying each other's company and sharing experiences together. But when a friendship starts to solidify, it becomes more about who is there for you, who is happy for your happiness and who is sad for your sadness. If a friend doesn't show that they care about how you are and what's going on in your life, they aren't worth keeping around. Everyday we all tackle different things in our lives like school work, jobs and new opportunities. A friend should be excited to hear about it all and they should be proud of your accomplishments. Toxic friends can be jealous or bitter when something in your life changes or when you do something great. This proves that they are more concerned with their own achievements instead of what's good for you. There is no finite amount of success in the world, so a friend should know not to make you feel guilty about whatever you achieve. They should be there to listen to you, hug you and congratulate you with no hesitation.

You deserve consistency.

You should never be worried or wonder if you are still friends with someone. Sometimes people need their space (I know I do), but a friend won't ever alienate you or confuse you on the status of your relationship. People can get hurt, upset or feel vulnerable and that's when they need you to let them know you're there. If they ignore you, subtweet you or send you mean texts - what kind of friend are they? If a friend of yours seems to go back and forth between loving you and distancing themselves from you, consider if the friendship is worth it. There are so many people who will remain a constant friend that you don't need someone who is ambiguous and confusing. 

You deserve positivity. 

By positivity I mean a whole slew of things but mostly - you deserve someone that makes you feel good. Laughing with a friend is always something to cherish, but if you are always the butt of the joke or if they make others laugh at your expense, then they may be tricking you into thinking that you're having fun together. If you remove yourself from the situation to find that you don't actually think those jokes are funny and that, in fact, they mostly come across as mean, your friend isn't making you feel as good as you think they are. 

If you are hanging out with another friend, a friend shouldn't be jealous. I'm lucky enough to be really close with my roommate and I'll make jokes about how I'm jealous of whoever she hangs out with, but we both know that's just a way to tell her that I love her and her company, too. If a friend genuinely doesn't like your other friends because they think you should be spending all of your time with them - again they are more concerned with themselves than what is good for you. Like there is no finite amount of success in the world, there is also no finite amount of love. If you have 6 best friends, you can love one without diminishing love for the other 5. After all, when has more love ever been a bad thing?

You deserve to be heard.

A problem I've had with failing friendships came from when we had arguments and I never felt like I was being heard. A friend shouldn't constantly brush off your feelings, especially not for the sake of their own pride. In a friendship, there is a lot of give and take and sometimes you have to bite the bullet and apologize. Taking a moment to reflect on your actions and how they are being perceived by your friend is essential to achieving empathy.

If you apologize, a friend should take it seriously. If they forgive you, great! They should make peace with that argument and move on. If they don't forgive you, or if they say they have but they keep bringing it up, what more can you do? Forgiveness is a choice, and a friend should be ready to make that one for you. We all mess up sometimes and it's unfortunately easy to hurt someone's feelings without knowing. That's when you apologize and when the friendship can come out stronger. If the friendship comes out weaker, however, it may be on its last leg.

If you are feeling uneasy about any aspect of your friendship with someone, let me be the first to tell you that they are not worth it. You deserve so much more than someone manipulative and selfish. It may be sad to end a friendship, especially if it spanned across many years, but it will ultimately be more sad if you continue to spend your time feeling worried, guilty and confused. You deserve friends who make you happy, and trust me, they aren't too hard to find.

And while it's important to remember what you deserve from a friendship, it's equally important to reflect on what kind of friend you are. Are you supportive? Patient? Consistent? Positive? Understanding? Forgiving? Loving? Friendships can actually be repaired very easily if both of you view it as something to build together. I'm lucky enough to have saved friendships I thought were gone forever because I reevaluated my role. It only takes a moment to figure out which friends are worth it, and you'll find that it's easy to figure out if the friendship goes both ways. 

Life Lessons I Learned from Amy Poehler

I just finished Yes Please, Amy Poehler's biography. Let me start off by saying that I'm really bad at reading for fun. I started the book at some point over the summer and only within the last few weeks did I really commit to it. But I finished it, and I'm trying to get more into the habit of reading when I'm bored instead of napping.

Anyway, I started the book a while ago and only finished it today, so the end of the book is a lot fresher in my mind. (I also ate a bag of buttery kettle corn while I read and stained all the last chapters. This is an apology to my roommate who will have to deal with that mess when she reads it. Sorry, Ollie.) Throughout reading the book, though, a lot of little things stuck with me. This post might be a bit of a spoiler for people who haven't read it, but mostly it's an Amy Poehler appreciation and reflection post.

1. Good for her, not for me.

Amy (we're on a first name basis now that I know her deep, biographical thoughts) uses this quote a lot in her book. I actually recognized this concept in my own thinking once I started college, so it was cool to see her talk about it. Basically, it's a quote that appreciates what some people do while being comfortable enough to say that you wouldn't want to do it yourself. I think the female pronoun is important here because there's this terrible concept of girl-hate circling social media as well as everyday life. Women are constantly putting each other down for no valid reason. I feel like high school was a big arena for thoughts like "Ew, what is she wearing?" and "Ugh, why is she dating him?" In college I listen to the girl next to me in class tell me about her biology major and I think, "Good for you, not for me." It's not an insult - it's an easy, encouraging and humbling mantra. I'm glad Amy put it in words.

2. Your parents are people, too.

There were several chapters that Amy dove into the details of her parent's lives, even before she was born. I think it's a general rule that you tend to think that your parent's lives didn't start until you graced them with your presence, but Amy asked her parents a bunch of questions that she put together in a narrative. She detailed their lives, personalities and little things like the most exciting moment of their life. It helped me to remember that my parents have strange memories that don't have anything to do with me. A weird, but eye-opening concept.

3. Don't take everything so seriously.

She never articulates this point, but Amy is a comedian after all. In her writing you can definitely tell that she just has something in her that loves to laugh. One story that sticks out in my head is her talking about her terrible New York apartment and the one time she opened the curtains to see a man masturbating outside her window. She loved it. I definitely would have cried and called the police, but sometimes a situation can just be laughed at.

4. Famous people aren't as great as your friends.

She name drops, like, a lot. Why wouldn't she? She's met everyone I can think of (most importantly Chris Pratt), but her best stories and life lessons come from her memories with friends and loved ones. When it comes down to it, the people in your life are the ones that are going to make it really great or really terrible. Maybe you're lucky and Tina Fey is both famous and your friend, but usually you just get the joy of the people who complain and laugh with you on a day-to-day basis instead of on a tv set. Chris Pratt doesn't know my sense of humor. He doesn't know what's going on in my life. What would he even be good for? (If Chris Pratt is reading this - this is all a lie. You're much better than all my friends. Hit me up.)

5. Kids are really great.

I'm only 20 so I'm not going to pretend like I'm ready for kids in any capacity, but people talk about having kids more than I think we realize. Tv shows and movies and friends talk about giving birth and raising small humans all the time. I think lately I've been watching stuff that highlights the bad - the sleeplessness, the responsibility, the loss of selfishness. I actually just read a paper about postpartum depression. Jeez. But Amy talks about her kids in a way that I think I've always secretly thought it would be like. She cuddles them and loves them and makes fun of them and watches them fight. The love I have for my mom is ridiculous, and the protective instinct I have for my little brother is also overwhelming sometimes. I can only imagine that having tiny humans that are half your DNA spike up those intense feelings even more. Who doesn't want that kind of unconditional love in their life?

6. Just do it.

A quote I'm thinking of right now is one that she mentions in passing, "remember, doing the thing is what's important, not the talking about the thing." There are so many apps and websites and self-help books that talk about all the things you can be doing. Here's a book on writing an amazing screenplay! An article on how to nail an interview! A website to track your book reading (I joined Goodreads today)! But nothing is going to happen unless you sit down and write a screenplay, schedule an interview, or sit down with a book. I think college is filled with a lot of people talking about doing the thing and only a small amount are really doing it. Just do the thing so you have something real to talk about.

7. I wish Amy Poehler was my mom.

My second mom. I love my mom, so if she was into women and were to marry one, I would just really want it to be Amy. She's full of so much vitality and humility. She doesn't let anyone boss her around or give her any shit. She figures people out and then takes a liking to them. She is open to a world of hard work, friendships and laughter. She's very similar to one of my biggest fictional role models, Leslie Knope; both of which have taught me so much about female friendships, taking care of yourself, and most of all just putting yourself out there and letting the world make opinions of you that you don't really care about. If it isn't obvious, I highly recommend Yes Please. Maybe you'll learn something from it.

Decorating Your First Apartment - 25 Cents at a Time

Last month I moved into my first apartment and it's been a long month of sweating without any AC, building up trash in the kitchen corner because the dumpsters are four flights of stairs away, and obsessively turning off lights and anything else that isn't in immediate use to try and shrink our electricity bill. There's a lot to learn when you're on your own with your two other complete clueless roommates, but making your apartment your own can be a fun process.

This weekend was really the first weekend my roommates and I finally got to have fun with some of the details of decorating. We had a while to rearrange furniture and find spots for the essentials, but all that isn't particularly exciting. On Friday night, we hit all the home good stores and we've spruced up our home a little bit.

If I'm being honest, it wasn't until very recently that I began to fully appreciate thrift stores. This is probably because I'm anticipating a lot of student loan debt, and I can't find good reasons to pay for brand new items when the used ones are so amazingly cheap. There's a resale shop a few blocks from my apartment that donates all the proceeds to a Woman's Hospital, so my shopping was for a good cause.

The thing about resale shops is that you have to be ready to really hunt for what you want. I knew I wanted a small table for my apartment's entryway and I had seen a nice one in the store's window. By the time I actually went shopping for it, however, it was gone. I was a little discouraged, but I scoured the store in hopes of finding a better one. In the very back, I found a nice table that hadn't even been priced yet. It was light enough for me to carry home and up all those stairs, so I fell in love. And at only 15 dollars, I was ecstatic.

So, I had a table for the entryway but I needed stuff to put on the table. I'm a firm believer that holidays feel more real the more you decorate for them, so I found a bunch of pumpkin decorations for less than 50 cents each. The resale shop was ridden with baskets, so I picked up one of those for our keys. After ringing up all of that, a DVD and a Ralph Lauren sweater, I had spent less than 30 dollars.

Another aspect of the entryway I think is essential is putting something above your small table, like a mirror or even some framed art. I was on the hunt for a mirror, but I couldn't find any that I liked that were also in my tiny budget. After searching TJ Maxx, we found a little chalk board that I pictured fitting perfectly over our little table.

Here's our table now - we haven't hung the chalk board up yet, and we're also lacking some chalk, but this alone has given our apartment a little more character than before.

Also pictured is a rug I bought from Marshall's that stretches along our narrow hallway. I've learned to never underestimate the power of a rug to change the way a room feels.

Our apartment is no where near the level of decorated I'd like it to be, but it really just takes one step at a time. Especially when we have college student budgets instead of Ikea Interior Designer budgets, it can be difficult to turn your apartment into showcase level material overnight.

We've got Chicago signs, Batman paraphernalia, comfy blankets and little pumpkins in our apartment now. My Pinterest board for apartment inspirations is up and running, so you can expect to see more decoration posts soon. Personally, I don't think it'll be complete until I have a tiny dog running around it, but I still have to convince my mom I'm ready for that.

Practicing Extreme Self Care

Beginnings of school years are usually tough on everybody. For college students who have just moved out of their childhood home, the transition can be especially overwhelming. Not only does the end of a carefree summer and the beginning of a new academic quarter bring its own stresses, but so do plenty of other things in life. Everyday people go through breakups, bad days, fights with friends, family problems, big changes and stressors that can accumulate to be almost too much for someone to handle.

I'm currently going through a rough patch in my life with a lot of uncertainties and worries, and it's teaching me a lot about myself and about the people in my life. I'm learning who will always be on the other end of the phone when I call (my mom, unconditionally), but I'm also learning that there is really only one person who will always be there for me - myself. Recently I've been told to do some "extreme self-care" and I think at some point, everybody needs to do the same.

In all periods of stress, it's important to be kind to yourself. Last week I celebrated my 20th birthday and I got to see my family, friends and boyfriend even though that meant I missed out on some things. There were workshops and new club meetings that I didn't get to go to, and I missed a shift of work with some really amazing people. But looking back on last week, I don't know if I would have been able to give my all at the auditions and meetings I considered going to. So instead, I went out to eat with the people I love and I spent a lot of time cuddled up in a blanket watching The Office. Prime examples of the kind of mental health self care that everyone needs - little breaks from reality.

There are other ways to foster your mental health though, specifically through being kind to yourself. On my birthday I got myself a pumpkin spice frappuccino and got my nails done. If you have people in your life who shower you in love and gifts, you're very lucky. But most of the time it's just you, and you have to learn to give yourself love and gifts sometimes. When you think about it, you spend maybe a couple of hours celebrating your birthday with other people, but most of the day is dedicated to doing the kinds of things you do everyday, so it's up to you to make the mundane special. Even when it's not your birthday, giving yourself things to look forward to can make a lame day a good one.

And when you think about all the birthday's and lame days and good days you're going to live through, the only person you can count on to be there is you. It's important to make sure you like yourself if you're going to be spending so much time with yourself. In my opinion, it's not that hard to change things up. I'm constantly changing my hair style, my wardrobe, my makeup and even my interests. I think it's all an attempt to become more myself, rather than changing it altogether. Just because you've always been a certain way doesn't mean you always have to be that certain way. Maybe you'll dye your hair pink, or start playing video games. Audition for something you think would be cool to be in, or throw out the clothes you got when you were 14 but still fit somehow. If there's something that you've always kind of wanted to do, or something you think you'd maybe be good at, why aren't you doing it? Being yourself is a form of self-care, too.

I've ended my teenage years with a better sense of self and what it means to be deeply happy. I'm still learning who I am and who I want to be, but I'm making strides everyday to be that girl. I think I've become a lot more understanding, and a lot more comfortable in my own skin. Kyoko Escamilla says, "Your 20's are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all aspects of you. Tinker, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground." So, be a little selfish and treat yourself. If you don't, who will?

A Little Parenthesis

Hi. I'm Kate - not Katie. Just Kate. Today I started my first day of classes for my sophomore year in college, and I've decided to start a blog. I've started a few blogs like this before, and I'm too embarrassed by how many tumblr accounts I have, but this one is going to be a Real Blog. One that I hold myself accountable for and ask others to read. This is a little terrifying for me, so bare with me.

Currently, I'm an English major, but I change my mind daily. Sometimes I want to be a lawyer, other days I think I'd make a great professor or principal for an all-girls school. When I look at the half-working door knobs in my old apartment I even consider flipping houses. More often, though, I can see myself writing and creating for the rest of my life, even if that means I'll never own a yacht or a penthouse in Manhattan.

I'm living in Chicago and I go to DePaul University - a private, Catholic and amazing school. Last year, my first year in college, was a roller coaster like everyone else's. I spent a lot of time napping in my bed and freezing my face off on the walks to class, but I also spent a lot of time growing, becoming more myself and meeting new people. This year, I hope to do more of latter.

For me, sophomore year is a year full of goals. I'm the kind of person who makes to-do lists, starts blogs, and comes up with a million different ways to portray myself - but I'm also the kind of person who lets the lists sit there, never shows anyone the blog, and ultimately can't decide how I want the world to see me. So I guess this year is a year to finally decide.

My biggest challenge this year I know will be coming out of my shell. I think everyone comes to a point in their life where they feel this same kind of calling, and it can be overwhelming. In high school a lot of my friends were the ones I always had. In classes where I didn't know anybody, I never really reached out. I would sit and usually just be crabby about the fact that I had to wake up at 5am. I only recently realized how quiet I've always been. Even after starting college, I still had that very closed-off mindset. This summer I looked back on all the opportunities I had to start a conversation with someone, but instead I checked Facebook or sat quietly, wondering if someone else would do the talking.

We all know the sinking feeling when a professor offers some kind of ice breaker, or tells you to get into groups of two or three to discuss something vaguely related to the class. In so many instances, I've been stuck waiting for someone else to really break the ice. Or we'll give a quick response to the prompt and then sit silently. It has taken me a long time to realize that all these encounters need is a, "Hi, I'm Kate." Then you do the discussion, then you start asking about majors or questions about the class and suddenly your college campus doesn't seem so big and you don't feel so crabby.

This blog will be a place for me to find my voice in writing, and to figure out and share everything I want to get out of my sophomore year. So, this is how you start. You introduce yourself, you ask questions, you start the conversation. In tandem with my favorite Paulo Coelho quote, "We are travelers on a cosmic journey, stardust, swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.”